Fat cat jokes by a real fat cat

What do all those skinny kitties and lowdown dogs know? Fat cat jokes, brain surgery, rocket science...any of these should be attempted only by experts. DON'T TRY THESE AT HOME!

Yeah, yeah, big talk. I hear you thinking out there--you're just positive I'm neither fat NOR a cat, right? Probably some anorexic mouse with hyper-squeak or something. Hunh. Well, they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so here's mine:

Handsome,aren't I? OH!! Excuse my manners!! My name is Moe Key Man, and Dad just weighed me in at exactly sixteen pounds.

I should get right to the Fat Cat Jokes. Yeah. Or maybe just a Top Ten List:

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE LEARNING TO TRAIN HUMANS PROPERLY

#10. When you're asleep in the Big Chair, your humans will sit on the floor rather than ask you to move.

#9. Each cat in the house is provided with a DIFFERENT favorite flavor of high end, canned cat food.

#8. All plastic cat dishes have been replaced with porcelain dishes with cute paw print designs on them.

#7. They help you put a picture of your 16-pound self on your website page instead of putting you on a diet.

#6. Instead of DARING to ask you to share your space with the black "street cat" that showed up like a homeless person panhandling for spare change, they build an entire kitty condo in the garage.

#5. They change the bedding on YOUR bed before they do their own.

#4. Kitty litter is exclusively the expensive wheat-based, clumping stuff rather than that dusty, dirty old clay.

#3. They share their human food and eat off the same spoon after you've had all you want.

#2. There is a minimum of one COVERED litter box in the house for EACH resident cat.

#1. And the Number One sign you're learning to train humans properly:

NO DOG IS EVER ALLOWED TO LIVE HERE!

Oh sure, I know some of you Fat Cats out there do own a dog or two. That's okay. Different strokes, and all that. Just so it was YOUR idea, y' know?

I'll be writing a column for The Ghost Post Humor E-zine as soon as I can (YAWN..!) get around to it, so do be sure to sign up. In fact, if you have a few Fat Cat Jokes of your own, send 'em along. I might even get around to reading them...if I can just wake up long enough....

With majesty,

Moe Key Man

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