Cooking humor is as cooking humor does...and mostly, I don't

Which is to say, I've seen plenty of cooking humor in my time...except that MOST of the time, I wasn't the one laughing. Or if I was, then it was not for long. As a fairly young child (age ten), I learned never to criticize the cook. Then I got to learn that lesson AGAIN at age twenty-one.

Along the way, and to this day if I were to admit it, there have been cooking disasters of my own. It's easier when the mistake is my own, because there is not an angry woman at the other end of the laughter.

Here are a few of my better remembered kitchen boo-boos.

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Cooking did not speak to me until the age of ten
When I shot off my mouth at supper 'bout the food Mom held dear
Dad fixed me with a gimlet eye and told me there and then
Since I had smarted off to the cook, I'd be cooking for a year

You'd think that would have taught me to never taunt the cook
And it did until my first wife was my bride
She did well until she tried to make her Mama's cinnamon rolls
They were like rocks, I laughed, and then I slept outside

Later, with a different wife, I was home once while she had to work
Why not surprise her with a special meatloaf, with fresh ingredients
Never be it said Fred Baker tried to shirk
It did not go so well when she cracked a molar tooth
How could I know the heat would be too low
To pop the popcorn kernels I'd mixed in nice and raw
Thinking they'd would give flavor and texture to the load

Worst of all, I have to think, was when I said to Pam
That even her great cooking could never make me thick
My fighting weight is right around one-sixty, don't you know
At two hundred I look like a bowling ball duct taped to an old broomstick

So is it any wonder, now that I have learned my limits
And reduced back to a decent working weight
I'm better off leaving cooking to the women and MacDonald's
While never asking for a second plate!

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Publisher's note: I did get back to a working weight, but closer to one-eighty than one-sixty. Pam's cooking is just too good to ignore.

Thanks for reading,

Fred

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